


If I'm Losing A Piece of Me, Maybe I Don't Want Heaven

by Bucky_182



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Coda, Dean Winchester Deserves to be Happy, Epilogue, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, Heaven, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On, but like after the events of the show, mainly fluff, no mention of supergaymegahell, the ending we need and the ending we deserve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:40:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27702200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bucky_182/pseuds/Bucky_182
Summary: “Sammy?”“Yeah?”“Do you ever feel like there’s something… missing?”--Dean prays. Castiel answers.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 95





	If I'm Losing A Piece of Me, Maybe I Don't Want Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> This is really just me proving how easy this would have been for the writers to do. Title is from Troye Sivan's Heaven because I couldn't get it out of my head while writing. I haven't written fanfic in 5 years so I'm a lil nervous about posting this but please enjoy!

“Sammy?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you ever feel like there’s something… missing?”

Sam chuckled and turned to give Dean a confused look. “No, Dean, it’s heaven.”

Dean sighed. “Yeah, no shit. I know it’s heaven and I know it’s perfect but… doesn’t matter.”

“Dude, come on, what’s up?”

“Look, I’m happy here, it’s heaven. It feels like home, right?”

“Right.” 

“But to me home is- I don’t know, man…”

Sam and Dean sat in silence for some time, looking out across the stream as it rippled and bubbled quietly. A bee wandered over to the flower pot beside Dean’s chair, and he watched it collect some pollen before moseying off again. 

“This place feels so much like Cas.”

“He did help Jack build it.”

Dean opened his mouth to say something but the words seemed to get stuck in his throat before he was even sure what they were trying to be.

But Sam spoke for him. “I miss him too.”

Dean just nodded.

“But he’s doing so much good. He’s making heaven an awesome place, he’s with Jack, he was meant for this.”

“Why the fuck do we have to do what we’re meant to? Did we not stop Chuck for this very reason? To stop people’s stories being written for them? Destiny is fucked, man, I thought you’d know that better than anyone. And if we do have to be what we’re supposed to…” then why can’t he be with me. Dean finished the sentence in his head but Sam still looked like he had heard it anyway.

“You know that’s not how I meant it. It’s just that he’s the best man- angel for the job.”

“Yeah, I know, I know. Sorry for snapping.”

Sam took a breath like he was about to say something, then exhaled again. Then said, “Dean, if you really want to talk to Cas, have you tried praying?”

Huh. Dean hadn’t tried praying. The idea hadn't even entered his mind. 

“No, Sam, it’s heaven.” Sam shot Dean an unimpressed look but didn’t say anything about his brother’s mocking tone. “Surely the one place you don’t have to pray is in heaven.”

“Yeah, maybe, but would it hurt to give it a try? He always comes when you call,” Sam smiled, almost teasingly.

\--

Dean didn’t take Sam’s advice right away. Instead, he did the one thing that really allowed him to think. Drive. Since arriving in heaven, there hadn’t been anything Dean was unsure about. Except for this. Except for Cas. Cas was always the exception. If Dean wasn’t so agitated, he probably would have laughed at just how contrary Castiel always was, even now. However, Dean just felt more hopeless. Every time he considered throwing caution to the wind and just stopping the car and calling out to Cas, a prickle of embarrassment would crawl up his neck. What would he even say? Praying in literal heaven still seemed stupid and probably wouldn’t work. And what was he supposed to do if it didn’t? He would know for certain that he really does have to spend eternity without Cas. And he didn’t know if he could take that.

He drove and drove. Time was weird in heaven. Eternity doesn’t fit with the human concept of time. There’s nothing to compare it to. Dean doesn’t know if he drove for hours or even months. He could have driven for a lifetime and still not have been sure. He still didn’t have an answer but if Dean was being honest with himself, he wasn’t going to get this out of his head until he tried. 

Dean pulled over and parked the impala on the side of the road. This would be as good a place as any. From here, he could see a great stretch of mountains. He liked how small they made him feel.

This was silly. He held back on the impulse to check if anyone was watching. Dean took a deep breath to calm his nerves. Why was he nervous? Kneeling was where he drew the line with this, so instead he looked up at the white-blue sky.

He closed his eyes.

And he prayed.

“Hey Cas, how’s it going? Uh…. shit. I don’t know if you can hear me, but if you can, uh, good job with heaven. You really- you and Jack, you- you did a good… job.”

Shit. Why was this so hard?

“Anyway, things are fine here. Obviously. It’s heaven. It’s perfect. Well, it’s not perfect. I mean- not because you didn’t make it perfect, you did, it’s just something’s not right- not that you did something wrong, I just mean…”

This really couldn’t be going any worse. Dean rubbed his face with his hands and pressed his palms into his hairline, exhaling deeply. Either no one was listening and it didn’t matter what he said, or Cas was listening and it was all worth it. He had to keep going.

“Listen, Cas, I’m just gonna cut to the chase here. Being in heaven is great, it’s really great. Getting to be with Sammy and Bobby and everyone I ever cared about? It’s more than I deserve. I never thought I’d end up in heaven, I really didn’t, at least, not until you. You made me believe there was some good in me. And even if there wasn’t when you found me, I wanted to be good. Because of you. I miss you. I need you. I- Damnit, Cas, are you even listening?”

Dean felt a hand on his left shoulder. A warm, familiar hand.

“Always.”

Dean spun around at the low voice, grabbing the hand of the angel he was now facing.

“Cas.”

“Hello, Dean.”

“Hey, Cas.”

“You called. I heard you praying”

“Still think that’s stupid. Shouldn’t have to pray in heaven,” Dean muttered.

Castiel snorted so gently, it would have been imperceptible if Dean hadn’t been acutely focused on his every move and sound.

“What made you decide to try now?”

“Sam told me to,” Dean admitted.

“Ah,” Cas said with a smile.

“Sammy was always the smart one,” said Dean.

“How are you finding heaven?”

Dean sighed. “It’s so wonderful, Cas. I don’t know how you and Jack did it. This is what heaven should be. Peace. And I can feel you in every part of it, Cas. But the part I care most about isn’t here. You’re not here.”

Dean was suddenly very aware of the hand on his shoulder, the hand he was holding in place. He couldn’t decide whether to let go or grip Castiel’s hand tighter. So he didn’t dare move.

“I didn't mean for it to feel like me. I meant it to feel like you. I made it for you, for everything you love. I suppose it was foolish to forget that there’s just as much of the artist as there is the subject in a portrait,” said Cas.

“You made it for me?”

“Of course I did, Dean. I’ve helped Jack make so much of heaven but this part I actually felt qualified to do. I tried to include as many things that you love as I could.”

Dean shook his head. “In that case, you forgot something very important.”

Cas tilted his head in confusion. “I’m sorry, Dean. What did I forget?”

“You.”

Dean felt the hand on his shoulder slip from his grasp and began to panic. He had said something wrong, he had ruined it- but then Castiel had him pulled into a tight hug. Dean buried his face into Castiel’s shoulder.

“Why didn’t you come before, Cas? Why didn’t you come?” said Dean, shakily. It was as if something inside him had broken, a dam holding back a tsunami of grief. It was pouring out of every part of him now. He had lost his best friend, the love of his life, forever, or so he had thought. How are you supposed to process that? After everything they had been through? But now he was here in front of Dean, holding him, and Dean was overwhelmed.

“You didn’t call.”

Dean lifted his head to meet Castiel’s eyes, which were as blue and as ernest as they always were. And he kissed him. Finally, softly, sweetly, he kissed him. 

They broke apart after a lifetime, or maybe it was just a few minutes.

Castiel cleared his throat. “I didn’t think you- oh.”

“You idiot,” said Dean, as he stroked his hair tenderly. “Of course I love you. Of course I love you.”

Cas reached out to touch Dean’s face, as though he wasn’t sure this was real.

Dean pressed another kiss to Castiel’s lips.

“If happiness is in the being, then my happiness is being with you.”

Cas smiled, if a little sadly, at Dean’s words. Dean was determined to kiss that sadness out of him. But for that they had time.

Cas took Dean’s hand and kissed it again and again, leading him back towards the impala. 

“Let’s go home, Dean.”

Finally, they had the heaven they deserved.

**Author's Note:**

> Giving Dean the monologue he deserves.


End file.
